The Cringe Part I
A Confession
Hi…
It’s been a while…
In the ups and downs of daily life, new motherhood and festivities, another “do-to” was not what I needed, so I took some time off here to focus on other things. Now, I find myself at a threshold: do I keep going, or stop writing altogether?
The Inner Critic
Taking a break for me oftentimes means silently quitting. Picture this: you start a new project, decide to commit to it, find yourself uninspired for a moment and suddenly get overwhelmed with fear and doubts. You quit doing what you were doing immediately, before you get to reap the rewards. Sound familiar? Chances are you are a procrastinator, a perfectionist, or have a very active inner critic (or all of the above), like me. Yay! You won the anxiety lottery.
Let me break down what happens in my mind in this scenario, so you can get a picture of it and hopefully (or rather hopefully not?) recognise yourself in these words. Starting something new is very scary for people like us, because it is so unpredictable. It is, of course, unpredictable for everyone, but what perfectionists ultimately want is to be able to control every single detail of the produced outcome, so that there is no possible way in which this outcome is flawed, or can be criticized by others. This, of course, is not possible. After building up the courage to write the first few posts, taking a break meant not only losing momentum, but also giving myself the time to read back the words and reflect on my actions.
And there it was… The Cringe.
I am Cringe
Confession: I used ChatGPT to write in my stead in (too) many cases. Yes, reading those posts back, I feel shame, because I could have never written them myself, and it is painfully obvious. The poetic language, use of uncommon words and, of course, the famous “-“ dash, are all thorns in my eye that make my body shrink at the thought.
As you might know, shame and cringe is a spiral that can take you down memory lane to all the moments in your life where you were an ultimate cringelord. Chronic worriers will understand that sleepless nights are reserved for the most vivid, unwelcome pictures of the past, in your own late-night movie theatre.
And I must admit… I am cringe.
Cringe for the fact that I have started a million creative projects, sharing them proudly with the world (“this time for real!!”), only to quit shortly after and doing it all over again.
Cringe for starting a high-school choir and having us perform an intensely bad Christmas-medley for the entire school, because I didn’t take it seriously enough.
Cringe because in my social incapability I hurt my friends with the things that I said, not taking their feelings into account, making us all feel dumb and awkward.
Cringe because of my love for fantasy and magic (and not hiding that as a grown-up woman with real, worldly responsibilities).
Cringe for the things I made in art school.
Cringe for the people I have dated.
Cringe for writing this and being cringe.
This can go on, the movie is infinitely long.
Have you ever felt yourself revisiting these sorts of memories?
What did you do in that moment?
An Unusual Solution
Sometimes, we can just let it all pass naturally. Sometimes, this inner voice speaks so loudly, there is action to be taken. When your Inner Cringe is calling attention, we can laugh about it and see the ridiculousness of it all, but ultimately it can be undermining your confidence, creative flow, even your livelihood.
This is exactly what the Inner Cringe does: it steals away your life essence to never let things like this happen again, and, ultimately, can block you from making any move at all. Hello, freeze-response: where any move is the wrong move.
What can we do?
We can let it reign our lives and hide away in our little cave (what I so much want to do right now… and did for a long time).
Is that the life you want to live, ethereal reader?
Maybe, the Inner Cringe needs another perspective, maybe she needs to be seen in a different light, so that there is no longer that painful charge.
We can create.
The Comedy-technique
A good friend of mine reacted in enthusiastic recognition when I told her of my Inner Cringe. What she does with that inner movie, is remarkable.
Instead of letting the images passively pass by, she takes a directing role and turns it into a comedic play, starring: herself. Suddenly, the shame turn into inspiration for hilarious sketches meant to make an audience laugh.
This works for 3 reasons. Firstly, humour brings lightness. By laughing at your unfortunate actions, a certain seriousness falls off your shoulders, along with it the charge it has on you emotionally. Secondly, actively participating in your inner world puts you in a position of power. Here, you can take action, instead of powerlessly undergoing. Thirdly, our right hemisphere is activated when we act creatively. It basically balances our reasoning, analytical mind, and trains our creative muscles while doing inner work. That seems like a win-win-win. Genius.
In the next post, I will share with you my personal practice for moments like this.
Have fun exploring your Inner Cringe, if you have one. If you don’t: please share how for the rest of us? To the other cringekings and cringequeens: feel welcome to share your own findings, experiences, or things you do to cope with an unwelcome inner dialogue. I am always curious to explore your inner worlds.
In the meantime,
Stay magical.
Atelier Helder